So several months ago I began to have some pretty significant chest pains. When I say 'significant'...think hammer pounding on your chest. Having a family history of cardiovascular issues I of course did the most logical thing....I researched the pain on the internet. After discovering it wasn't a heart attack, I did what any normal male would do....I figured it would 'go away on its own' and did nothing for a couple of days. One afternoon, I got up from my desk at work and the pain hit with such force I had to sit down. After a couple of minutes, I thought "you know, I probably should have this checked out".
So I go to my doctor. He says he needs to do a physical. A physical? I'm having chest pains and he wants to do a physical? Isn't there something we should do like...RIGHT NOW? What if I was on fire? What would that require....a tonsilectomy? Anyway.....I get the physical and he says (this is the truth) "Well, I don't see anything wrong with your heart, so that's good. Doesn't explain the pain, but it's a good thing I don't see anything wrong. Of course, a Specialist will have to read this test result to be sure. (really? you can't read it, but you don't see anything wrong?) In the meantime, call Dr. Overprice and set up an appointment for a stress test."
"A stress test will require you to run on a treadmill for about 45 minutes while we monitor your heartrate." doctor Overprice says. "Really?" I ask, "You are aware I am an asthmatic right? I mean, I assume if my lungs lock up you'll have something here for me right?" He did not know since this was the first time I had ever been in his office. So, he looks at me and says (I swear this is true) "Well, I guess we'll have to change the type of test we give you. The only door large enough for a gurney to go through is up front and if you code on the treadmill and die we'd have to wheel you out the front door and it would probably bum out everyone in the waiting room. It did the last time that happened" I instantly liked this guy.
His nurse preps me for the test (again, this is all true). She says, "Wear comfortable clothes. Pants that are loose and comfortable in the event they have to come off." Wait....what? "Exactly what reason would there be where, during a heart stress test, my pants would need to come off? I mean, I can imagine a test where I would need to remove my pants that certainly would put a stress on my heart....but aren't there laws against that?" Without missing a beat she says, "Don't question us......we know what we are doing. Wear a comfortable shirt, but not a T-shirt. Button shirt will make it easier to hook you up. You'll be here for at least 4 hours and the vending machine doesn't always work right so bring a snack....and I'd bring something to read." I liked her too....and on a certain level, I feared her as well.
The test did take 4 hours...and afterwards I felt like I had been hit by a bus. Three weeks later, the results.
"Well, you seem to be the type of person who carries fluid around his heart."
Yea, it's probably a lot of Merlot
"This fluid is causing back pressure within the heart and probably that's what is causing your asthma to flare. This would probably cause your blood pressure to spike. It was high on your last visit and did not stabilize during the test. It is high now....so we need to get you on some meds to bring it down."
"You're going to take two pills each day. One is a very mild BP med, the other is a diuretic. That should do the trick. Take them for two weeks and come back in for a check up."
Diuretic...otherwise known as the "Pee Pill". I take it at 6:30am each day and spent the remainder of the day going to the bathroom every 38 seconds. However, I will say it's a pretty good diet pill....I lost about 12 pounds.
I am happy to report my blood pressure dropped to normal, my asthma is under control and I actually feel pretty good.
I can also report that the need to remove my pants during the stress test did not present itself....although there was a moment when the nurse held up a bottle of lubricant and my mind wandered for a moment.
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