My idea of a vacation has always been pretty simple....fishing, eating, sleeping...in no particular order. With the introduction of children that changed to game rooms, pizza, ice skating, roller skating, carnivals, swimming, beaches, large amounts of cheese fries and watching the latest stage show ... "Barney runs from the Police". Why is this notable? Notice I did not mention my wife's idea of a vacation. Hers includes some of the above items..... but with one more addition.
Looking at old stuff. Could be buildings, churches, offices, cemeteries, grass, trees, doesn't matter. A typical last day of vacation conversation goes like this:
I ask very sincerely - 'was there anything else special you wanted to do while we are here?'
My wife answers wishy washy like....'no, not really.'
Well, then I'm going to go fishing again.
Making "the face" - and EVERY married man knows exactly what that looks like...'Really? fishing again?'
'Was there something you want to do?'
'No....not really....I mean, there are some cool plantations and old churches near here.'
Knowing full well what that means.... but I'm a guy so I act stupid....'do you want to go?'
'No......I mean, unless you do....'
I don't, but I've spend the last 36 hours fishing so I say....'sure why not?'
So off we go to BrokenBones Plantation.
Now let me be clear...I LOVE history. I enjoy reading it and discovering the myriad of things that could have happened if historical figures would have turned right instead of left. I also support my wife and her attempt to teach history to our children. History fascinates me....but not always to the extent that I want to actually LOOK at it.
So we are at the plantation, which consists of three major buildings:
1) The Main House
2) The Chapel
3) The Cemetery
We start at the main house...the conversation between my wife and I goes something like this:
"Look at these cool doors", she says, "Look at the detail and this cool door knob"
"Yes, it's incredible the technology that existed back then which allowed them to carve wood" I add.
"Ass" is her response to me.
Inside we hear about how the original owners spend a total of $11 on flooring the entire home, much of which was recovered after the flood and is still on the floor today.
"Wow...look at the cool colors and designs"
"Looks like mud stains"
"Ass"
Into the bedroom where we see authentic hair accessories and articles of clothing, along with a diary ...... written in some sort of alien language. It is the owners writing we are assured by the crack tour guide.
"Look, they combed their hair with these", my wife will excitedly say.
"And that was the result?" I will ask looking at a photo of what I originally thought was a horse but is in fact the owner.
"Ass"
Into the kitchen we go....and we see various broken plates, broken serving dishes, broken cups with unidentifiable stains in them, bent utensils and rusty serving items. "These are actual kitchen items from the original owner" the guide says while texting someone.
"Look how cool this is"....
"They ate with these?" is the question from one of my children
"Yes" says my wife, excited a child shows interest
"And that's why they are dead" I interject, "because they ate using rusty dishes.
"Ass"
After 11 more rooms, each with different items (an old sock, some ink pens, old hats, old magazines, and old playing cards - none of which we are allowed to touch, breath on, or get close to) we go out to the chapel.
"Look at the cool windows" she tells my youngest, "isn't that cool...they had windows like this?"
The child looks indifferent....I interject "yes, before glass they used straw....didn't hold up well."
My wife looks at me....I interrupt her...."Yea, I know....Ass."
Off to the cemetery....and the ONLY thing my children say is:
"Wait, are walking on DEAD people?"
I don't say anything, I just hold back laughter as my kids run (on their tip toes, like that helps) out of the cemetery.
Then...FINALLY....the Gift Shoppe
"The original Gift Shoppe was destroyed by Union soldiers in 1902. The new owners rebuilt it using wood from the original home in 1827."
Wait....what?
"Many of the items you see here are original to the home....some points to remember about these items:
- Unlike the fresh items here today, the Krispy Kreme Donut man took longer back then to bring in fresh donuts to the home.
- Many of the bird houses and signs with family names on them on them are made of actual wood.
- The breakfast set consisting of a genuine BrokenBones coffee mug, commemorative plate, and commemorative fork and spoon were used by the original owner who had his breakfast served on these every day since 1814. These can be purchased for $39.95.
- The Southern Drivers of NASCAR commemorative plates are not for sale. They were found in the attic of the home and belong to the current owners who want them back after they are released on parole."
So, after a 90 minute tour, some rocks and a keychain from the gift shoppe we are off to eat lunch.
Naturally, we will eat at the 'authentic' kitchen located on the grounds....which involves sitting on tree stumps and eating off tin plates that soar to a comfortable temperature of 300 degrees.
I should have gone fishing.
