I think life would be much cooler with a computer narrator (like the one on Star Trek)
5:45am - the alarm goes off
*Alert - Sleep interruption program engaged. Begin annoying country music program.
Well I'm crying
I think the dog is dying
I'm out of luck
I wrecked my truck
More tears in my beers
SMACK
Confirmed - Delay program activated. Estimated time for resumption of sleep interruption program....15 minutes
*Alert - Sleep interruption program engaged. Begin annoying morning DJ program.
Well Cletus, how's that new haircut
Lemme tell you....$21 dollars worth
SWITCH
Confirmed - Sleep interrruption program disengaged.
Get out of bed - forget to put on my slippers
Setting course for nutrient center...engines ahead REALLY SLOW
*Alert - senors detecting unidentified objects directly ahead...visual system inoperative
*Alert - collision course...shields not operative
*Alert - objects appear to be small razor sharp toys.....brace for impact in 3....2.....1
OUCH...DAMMIT...WHAT THE...
*Alert - begin course correction using silly hops and jumps
*Alert - descriptive adult word program engaged.
*Alert - resuming course to nutrient center - auto brew sequence confirmed
auto brew complete
Setting course for starbase recliner.
Standard parking orbit achieved.
*Alert - internal pressure build up in main engine
*Alert - internal pressure beyond safe limits
*Alert - external containment system failing....pressure release immenent
*Alert - pressure release in 3...2....1
aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh
*Alert - enemy vessel decloaking...
"DAD! Geez, gross"
*Alert - charging main weapons system - set weapons for 'moveout'.
This is not the way I wish to be remembered.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
A now for this brief commercial announcement
I'm told that companies no longer advertise cigarettes on television because it will influence those who watch.... I guess I can see that, I mean I grew up seeing commercials starring the "Marlboro Man". There he was, sitting on that horse riding in the wild west....I remember that scene and just want to rush out and rope a cow. We also shouldn't run commercials for things that are inappropriate. Really? So why do I see commercials for this:
A beach scene. The water is a crystal clear blue, the sun is setting the background, and birds are swooping down along the shore. Focus in on a man walking along the beach. He is shorts, his shirt is open showing incredible air brushed abs, and he stops to gaze out over the waves. Over his shoulder, a woman approaches. The camera zooms in on her...and the voice over begins:
It's hard to be the every woman. Homemaker, housewife, working girl, mom, chef and chauffeur. At times you just don't feel fresh.
At this point she reaches the man, he turns, reaches out to hug her, takes an obvious deep breath through his nose, and passes out.
Cut to an official looking office.
Hi, I'm Horace Fernstocker and as you can tell from this white coat I'm wearing I'm obviously some type of medical professional. Many of my patients have mentioned at random times the need to feel fresh. Most of these patients are women. That's why I endorse (he pulls a box from under the counter) 'Crotch Bouquet'.
As the screen behind him starts to show photo's of various items (a cactus, pecans, the space shuttle, a fern, Rosie O'Donnell) he continues.
Made from ingredients found somewhere in nature, 'Crotch Bouquet' gives you that fresh feeling all day long. In my medical career spanning the three days to film this commercial, I have discovered what could be actual proof this product works.....but don't take my word for it, trust 'Crotch Bouquet'.
Cut back to the beach scene where the man is standing, however he is leaning over with his hands on his knees and is obviously in respiratory distress. The woman opens her purse and pulls out a box of 'Crotch Bouquet' and walks into a conveniently located dressing room. While she is doing that, the voice over again:
These statements have not been proven by the FDA or any reasonably intelligent professional in any field. Side effects include drowsiness, dizziness, snoring, the need to watch the Dukes of Hazard, limping, headaches, sore throat, muscle aches, blurred vision, anal leakage, bad driving, and the strong desire to vote Democratic. In some extreme cases, side effects include an irritating personality, a love of NASCAR, and death. You should not use this product if you are pregnant, you may become pregnant, or if you plan on having sex....ever. You should consult your doctor before using this or any product hawked on late night TV.
The woman emerges from the dressing room smiling and her husband rushes up to her and they walk into the sunset. Peeking out of her bag is the box and you hear the final voice over
Crotch Bouquet.....be fresh or be offensive.
So.....this isn't considered inappropriate? Especially when I'm sitting in the room with my two daughters...the 23 year old (who gets the concept) and my 6 year old (who doesn't and when asked the next morning by the ArchBishop to name her favorite cartoon......she says 'crotch bouquet')
A beach scene. The water is a crystal clear blue, the sun is setting the background, and birds are swooping down along the shore. Focus in on a man walking along the beach. He is shorts, his shirt is open showing incredible air brushed abs, and he stops to gaze out over the waves. Over his shoulder, a woman approaches. The camera zooms in on her...and the voice over begins:
It's hard to be the every woman. Homemaker, housewife, working girl, mom, chef and chauffeur. At times you just don't feel fresh.
At this point she reaches the man, he turns, reaches out to hug her, takes an obvious deep breath through his nose, and passes out.
Cut to an official looking office.
Hi, I'm Horace Fernstocker and as you can tell from this white coat I'm wearing I'm obviously some type of medical professional. Many of my patients have mentioned at random times the need to feel fresh. Most of these patients are women. That's why I endorse (he pulls a box from under the counter) 'Crotch Bouquet'.
As the screen behind him starts to show photo's of various items (a cactus, pecans, the space shuttle, a fern, Rosie O'Donnell) he continues.
Made from ingredients found somewhere in nature, 'Crotch Bouquet' gives you that fresh feeling all day long. In my medical career spanning the three days to film this commercial, I have discovered what could be actual proof this product works.....but don't take my word for it, trust 'Crotch Bouquet'.
Cut back to the beach scene where the man is standing, however he is leaning over with his hands on his knees and is obviously in respiratory distress. The woman opens her purse and pulls out a box of 'Crotch Bouquet' and walks into a conveniently located dressing room. While she is doing that, the voice over again:
These statements have not been proven by the FDA or any reasonably intelligent professional in any field. Side effects include drowsiness, dizziness, snoring, the need to watch the Dukes of Hazard, limping, headaches, sore throat, muscle aches, blurred vision, anal leakage, bad driving, and the strong desire to vote Democratic. In some extreme cases, side effects include an irritating personality, a love of NASCAR, and death. You should not use this product if you are pregnant, you may become pregnant, or if you plan on having sex....ever. You should consult your doctor before using this or any product hawked on late night TV.
The woman emerges from the dressing room smiling and her husband rushes up to her and they walk into the sunset. Peeking out of her bag is the box and you hear the final voice over
Crotch Bouquet.....be fresh or be offensive.
So.....this isn't considered inappropriate? Especially when I'm sitting in the room with my two daughters...the 23 year old (who gets the concept) and my 6 year old (who doesn't and when asked the next morning by the ArchBishop to name her favorite cartoon......she says 'crotch bouquet')
Monday, March 21, 2011
The Doctor Visit
I apologize first to all the medical professionals out there in the world. Why? Because I don't like you. Now, I don't mean YOU.....I mean Doctor YOU.
As I continue to age (much like a fine cheese, only without the smell) I find I need to 'visit' my doctor more often. Visit is a misnomer....that's not what we do at the doctor's office. To me,
1) A visit is polite conversation lasting more that 15 seconds without you (doctor) snapping ominously a pair of rubber gloves on your hand.
2) A visit is an exchange of information that is more than a series of rapid fire questions asked so fast I don't have time to process the question much less answer it:
3) A visit does not include some type beverage that makes you run to the bathroom within 8 seconds of drinking it.
4) A visit does not include food which pretty much does the same thing.
Now, doctors come in various sizes:
The General Practitioner - he has a lot of general knowledge, but can't do anything specific. If you 'visit' a GP with body parts visibly missing, he will grimace, and with a concerned look on his face ask, "so, what's the reason for your visit today?" So you show him where 4 right hand fingers should be..... but are not, and he will probably say something like, "looks serious, but there's a lot of this going around. You should see a specialist "
The Specialist - he works in a different office, usually located in some strip mall 87 miles from your house. He will look and say, "Yes, this has been going around...but it looks like this is an acute case. We may have to run some tests."
The Consultant Specialist - he works with The Specialist, however he is semi-retired and only in the office on odd number days during the third week of every other month. After he looks he says, "We definitely should run some tests."
The Consultant Specialist Advisor - I made this name up...but this is the guy who 'reads' the test. I am still baffled as to why they don't teach ALL doctors to read test results. Is Test Reading an elective in Medical School?
After you see these folks...then the bills start to arrive. Note I said BILLS....you don't get one. What you get is a series of comically created invoices.
The first one is from your GP. He bills your insurance company $975 for the office visit. The insurance company takes the 'agreed upon discount' and the new amount is $75, of which you paid $30 when you got there because you have a co-pay. That leaves a balance due the doctor of $45, plus the ancillary charges (new patient record, HIPPA compliance fee, postage, and excise tax) of $150 which make the grand total $195. You get a copy of this bill every day for three weeks (each marked PAST DUE) until the 'staff' at the doctor's office posts to your account.
The second is from the Specialist. This is the first bill you have seen (it has been about 6 weeks since your visit), and it has the following items:
Consultant Office Visit $750
Consultant Accelerated Diagnostic Fee $80
Lab Charges $100
Rotate and Balance $90
TOTAL DUE $1020 - less 'agreed upon discounts' already taken $720
NEW TOTAL $300
Your account is already past due. We don't like calling our patients deadbeats, but you are fast earning that title. Payment is expected TODAY or we will repossess your oldest male child.
Then you get a third bill. You assume this is the semi-retired guy since his name is not on the envelope, just the name "Office of People Who Wear White Coats"
There is no invoice, just a letter.
Dear (insert patient name),
On (insert date) you received services from our office. Your charges were submitted to your insurance company and the remaining balance is now due. Unless you have died from whatever illness you had when you came into our office you have no excuse not to pay this amount.
Total amount due is $250. Payable in US Funds only please.
See....I don't have a problem having a doctor check me to see if I have some bizarre malady like "East Martian Death Fungus". I mean, I certainly could not perform the test myself. However, typically what happens is I turn up fine and the doctor says (and I am NOT making this up) "Well Mark, I don't see anything of concern here....except you're overweight and of course you are getting old. Other than that, you're fine."
So....I am fat and I am old.
For this valuable piece of information, I will pay somewhere around $500.
My kids tell me this for free.
As I continue to age (much like a fine cheese, only without the smell) I find I need to 'visit' my doctor more often. Visit is a misnomer....that's not what we do at the doctor's office. To me,
1) A visit is polite conversation lasting more that 15 seconds without you (doctor) snapping ominously a pair of rubber gloves on your hand.
2) A visit is an exchange of information that is more than a series of rapid fire questions asked so fast I don't have time to process the question much less answer it:
- How have you been feeling?How's the blood pressure?Any soreness in the joints?Any sores that won't heal?Any muscle aches?How much does the moon weigh?Turn your head and cough.
3) A visit does not include some type beverage that makes you run to the bathroom within 8 seconds of drinking it.
4) A visit does not include food which pretty much does the same thing.
Now, doctors come in various sizes:
The General Practitioner - he has a lot of general knowledge, but can't do anything specific. If you 'visit' a GP with body parts visibly missing, he will grimace, and with a concerned look on his face ask, "so, what's the reason for your visit today?" So you show him where 4 right hand fingers should be..... but are not, and he will probably say something like, "looks serious, but there's a lot of this going around. You should see a specialist "
The Specialist - he works in a different office, usually located in some strip mall 87 miles from your house. He will look and say, "Yes, this has been going around...but it looks like this is an acute case. We may have to run some tests."
The Consultant Specialist - he works with The Specialist, however he is semi-retired and only in the office on odd number days during the third week of every other month. After he looks he says, "We definitely should run some tests."
The Consultant Specialist Advisor - I made this name up...but this is the guy who 'reads' the test. I am still baffled as to why they don't teach ALL doctors to read test results. Is Test Reading an elective in Medical School?
After you see these folks...then the bills start to arrive. Note I said BILLS....you don't get one. What you get is a series of comically created invoices.
The first one is from your GP. He bills your insurance company $975 for the office visit. The insurance company takes the 'agreed upon discount' and the new amount is $75, of which you paid $30 when you got there because you have a co-pay. That leaves a balance due the doctor of $45, plus the ancillary charges (new patient record, HIPPA compliance fee, postage, and excise tax) of $150 which make the grand total $195. You get a copy of this bill every day for three weeks (each marked PAST DUE) until the 'staff' at the doctor's office posts to your account.
The second is from the Specialist. This is the first bill you have seen (it has been about 6 weeks since your visit), and it has the following items:
Consultant Office Visit $750
Consultant Accelerated Diagnostic Fee $80
Lab Charges $100
Rotate and Balance $90
TOTAL DUE $1020 - less 'agreed upon discounts' already taken $720
NEW TOTAL $300
Your account is already past due. We don't like calling our patients deadbeats, but you are fast earning that title. Payment is expected TODAY or we will repossess your oldest male child.
Then you get a third bill. You assume this is the semi-retired guy since his name is not on the envelope, just the name "Office of People Who Wear White Coats"
There is no invoice, just a letter.
Dear (insert patient name),
On (insert date) you received services from our office. Your charges were submitted to your insurance company and the remaining balance is now due. Unless you have died from whatever illness you had when you came into our office you have no excuse not to pay this amount.
Total amount due is $250. Payable in US Funds only please.
See....I don't have a problem having a doctor check me to see if I have some bizarre malady like "East Martian Death Fungus". I mean, I certainly could not perform the test myself. However, typically what happens is I turn up fine and the doctor says (and I am NOT making this up) "Well Mark, I don't see anything of concern here....except you're overweight and of course you are getting old. Other than that, you're fine."
So....I am fat and I am old.
For this valuable piece of information, I will pay somewhere around $500.
My kids tell me this for free.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Chocolate Almonds
I have a very big weakness for chocolate. If it's really good chocolate....it is worse. If you have children, work near children, live near children, or have ever seen a child you are probably familiar with a box of heaven called "Worlds Finest Chocolates - Continental Almonds". I can make entire meals out of these things (and once or twice I have). As a culinary note, they are exceptionally tasty with a glass of chilled Diet Dr. Pepper. Anyway....one evening I sat quietly in my chair to write and it just so happened my daughter was in the room. I set a box down next to me (along with my chilled DDP). The conversation went something like this:
What is that?
Diet Dr. Pepper....want some?
No Dad....what's in the box?
Almonds...want one?
It's 9:45 at night!
OK...so, you want two?
No Dad...I don't want any....and you don't either.
Why not?
Because it's not healthy....don't eat them....
Give me a break...I could be drinking
No Dad...really? Chocolate Almonds this late....fatty - you are becoming a statistic.
A what?
A statistic. Someone who eats poorly, gets fat and dies!
Really? I'll have you know I have lost weight.
So, you lose 1 pound and put on 12 with the almonds? If you become a statistic, who will feed me?
(as I continue to eat them) Well, there will be lots of chocolate almonds around the house.
DAD....stop eating them! You didn't eat supper....it's not healthy.
I had a late lunch.....
What does a late lunch have to do with not eating supper, and what did you eat?
Taco Bell.
So you ate crap for lunch AND you're eating more crap instead of supper?
(as I continue to eat them) I don't think...
DAD....stop eating them!
I have DIET Dr Pepper.....that's a good thing....it acts as a counter agent against the chocolate (another one bites the dust)
DAD...stop eating them! Counter - Agent? What are you a Russian Spy? You're supposed to be a role model!
(crunch, crunch) Yea, but I don't have to be a good one do I?
DAD...STOP EATING THEM!
This coming from someone who once saw a bag of french fries in my truck and asked "can I have these?"
By the time I could get out the words "no...they're from yesterday"....she had already eaten them.
And I'm the one who is eating unhealthy.
What is that?
Diet Dr. Pepper....want some?
No Dad....what's in the box?
Almonds...want one?
It's 9:45 at night!
OK...so, you want two?
No Dad...I don't want any....and you don't either.
Why not?
Because it's not healthy....don't eat them....
Give me a break...I could be drinking
No Dad...really? Chocolate Almonds this late....fatty - you are becoming a statistic.
A what?
A statistic. Someone who eats poorly, gets fat and dies!
Really? I'll have you know I have lost weight.
So, you lose 1 pound and put on 12 with the almonds? If you become a statistic, who will feed me?
(as I continue to eat them) Well, there will be lots of chocolate almonds around the house.
DAD....stop eating them! You didn't eat supper....it's not healthy.
I had a late lunch.....
What does a late lunch have to do with not eating supper, and what did you eat?
Taco Bell.
So you ate crap for lunch AND you're eating more crap instead of supper?
(as I continue to eat them) I don't think...
DAD....stop eating them!
I have DIET Dr Pepper.....that's a good thing....it acts as a counter agent against the chocolate (another one bites the dust)
DAD...stop eating them! Counter - Agent? What are you a Russian Spy? You're supposed to be a role model!
(crunch, crunch) Yea, but I don't have to be a good one do I?
DAD...STOP EATING THEM!
This coming from someone who once saw a bag of french fries in my truck and asked "can I have these?"
By the time I could get out the words "no...they're from yesterday"....she had already eaten them.
And I'm the one who is eating unhealthy.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Vitamin Packed Day
I am not what you would call a "health nut". In fact, I'm probably the antithesis of healthy. I think a 'balance meal' is defined as one that includes both chocolate and vanilla ice cream. At one point in my younger days (within the last 2 years), a bag of Doritos and a Dr. Pepper was an easy meal. I figured it was quick, simple, and no dishes to wash....just throw everything away. This is why my wife and I have lectures (I can't call them arguments because that indicates one of us wins.....and I never do) about eating healthy.
My wife is not "health nut" in the true definition...she is more of a "health fanatic". Originally from Texas, she wasn't raised on rice and gravy (for breakfast), gumbo and boudin like I was here in Louisiana. True, she had better BBQ, but I hear tales of things like pasta, grilled salmon, and some alien concoction called "steamed vegetables". So, because she is very concerned about my health she attempts to have me take vitamins. Not just the simple 'One-A-Day' brand....there are several I need to take.
FISH OILS
I'm not kidding....for somehow, somewhere a guy has convinced the world taking a tablet with slimy fish oil in it is actually good for your heart. Really? Wouldn't chocolate milk contain the same artery clogging material?
ANTIOXIDANTS
What the hell does that mean?
ST JOHN'S WORT
Really....this is an actual vitamin. It's for depression. I'd be depressed if I had to take something called "wort"
GINKGO BILOBA
This is to improve my memory. I actually took this for a while....of course I washed it down with several glasses of Merlot. I never noticed any improvement in my memory.
Then there are the "specific vitamin groups" to help with certain maladies:
ProBiotic - Digestive Health
Chondroitin - Joint Health
L-Carnatine - Energy from Fat
Gandolf and Frodo - Lonely Friday Nights
*None of these statements have been verified or proven by the FDA or any governmental agency. In fact, we deny the existence of vitamins till the industry hires powerful lobbyists with large amounts of spendable cash with which to convince us they are real. You should consult your personal banker to insure you can afford any healthy lifestyle change.
My wife is not "health nut" in the true definition...she is more of a "health fanatic". Originally from Texas, she wasn't raised on rice and gravy (for breakfast), gumbo and boudin like I was here in Louisiana. True, she had better BBQ, but I hear tales of things like pasta, grilled salmon, and some alien concoction called "steamed vegetables". So, because she is very concerned about my health she attempts to have me take vitamins. Not just the simple 'One-A-Day' brand....there are several I need to take.
FISH OILS
I'm not kidding....for somehow, somewhere a guy has convinced the world taking a tablet with slimy fish oil in it is actually good for your heart. Really? Wouldn't chocolate milk contain the same artery clogging material?
ANTIOXIDANTS
An antioxidant is a molecule capable of inhibiting the oxidation of other molecules. Oxidation is a chemical reaction that transfers electrons from a substance to an oxidizing agent. Oxidation reactions can produce free radicals. In turn, these radicals can start chain reactions that damage cells. Antioxidants terminate these chain reactions by removing free radical intermediates, and inhibit other oxidation reactions. They do this by being oxidized themselves, so antioxidants are often reducing agents such as thiols, ascorbic acid or polyphenols.
What the hell does that mean?
ST JOHN'S WORT
Really....this is an actual vitamin. It's for depression. I'd be depressed if I had to take something called "wort"
GINKGO BILOBA
This is to improve my memory. I actually took this for a while....of course I washed it down with several glasses of Merlot. I never noticed any improvement in my memory.
Then there are the "specific vitamin groups" to help with certain maladies:
ProBiotic - Digestive Health
Chondroitin - Joint Health
L-Carnatine - Energy from Fat
Gandolf and Frodo - Lonely Friday Nights
*None of these statements have been verified or proven by the FDA or any governmental agency. In fact, we deny the existence of vitamins till the industry hires powerful lobbyists with large amounts of spendable cash with which to convince us they are real. You should consult your personal banker to insure you can afford any healthy lifestyle change.
Monday, March 14, 2011
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me"
Matthew 18:2-6
Matthew 18:2-6
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PB!
9 years old!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Did I ask you for a wake up call?
We have all been there....it's Saturday morning. It's a quiet morning, the sun light is just coming into the room, and I'm in my physically in my bed, but mentally on a deserted island with Valerie Bertinelli. Then...................
RRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG
I shoot straight up, clutch my chest, and grab the phone.
Hello?
(5 second pause)
Hello?
(Background noise - lots of folks talking)
I spick to Meester Mark?
What?
Meester Mark?
Who the hell is this?
Is this Meester Mark?
My num eez Frank (yea right) and I em call froom Deesciver Card.
Why?
Surrry?
What?
Surrry?
What the hell do you want?
Meester Mark?
WHAT!?
Allo?
Yuz valuable cuzmer of Deesciver Card and I would............
CLICK - No amount of Cash Back is worth that.
I did find one way to stop telemarketers. This is true, and happened about two years ago.
(Phone Rings)
Hello?
Hello! May I speak to Ann?
She's not here, who's this?
This is Tommy Telemarketer from AT&T calling about your home phone service.
She's not here.
Well, is this her husband?
On occasion, yes.
Are you able to discuss and make changes to your home phone service?
No, I'm sorry I'm legally retarded an unable to enter into any contracts.
Dead Silence - 10 seconds.
Hello?
Thank you for using AT&T have a good day.
They have never called back.
RRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG
I shoot straight up, clutch my chest, and grab the phone.
Hello?
(5 second pause)
Hello?
(Background noise - lots of folks talking)
I spick to Meester Mark?
What?
Meester Mark?
Who the hell is this?
Is this Meester Mark?
My num eez Frank (yea right) and I em call froom Deesciver Card.
Why?
Surrry?
What?
Surrry?
What the hell do you want?
Meester Mark?
WHAT!?
Allo?
Yuz valuable cuzmer of Deesciver Card and I would............
CLICK - No amount of Cash Back is worth that.
I did find one way to stop telemarketers. This is true, and happened about two years ago.
(Phone Rings)
Hello?
Hello! May I speak to Ann?
She's not here, who's this?
This is Tommy Telemarketer from AT&T calling about your home phone service.
She's not here.
Well, is this her husband?
On occasion, yes.
Are you able to discuss and make changes to your home phone service?
No, I'm sorry I'm legally retarded an unable to enter into any contracts.
Dead Silence - 10 seconds.
Hello?
Thank you for using AT&T have a good day.
They have never called back.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
The Heart of the matter
So several months ago I began to have some pretty significant chest pains. When I say 'significant'...think hammer pounding on your chest. Having a family history of cardiovascular issues I of course did the most logical thing....I researched the pain on the internet. After discovering it wasn't a heart attack, I did what any normal male would do....I figured it would 'go away on its own' and did nothing for a couple of days. One afternoon, I got up from my desk at work and the pain hit with such force I had to sit down. After a couple of minutes, I thought "you know, I probably should have this checked out".
So I go to my doctor. He says he needs to do a physical. A physical? I'm having chest pains and he wants to do a physical? Isn't there something we should do like...RIGHT NOW? What if I was on fire? What would that require....a tonsilectomy? Anyway.....I get the physical and he says (this is the truth) "Well, I don't see anything wrong with your heart, so that's good. Doesn't explain the pain, but it's a good thing I don't see anything wrong. Of course, a Specialist will have to read this test result to be sure. (really? you can't read it, but you don't see anything wrong?) In the meantime, call Dr. Overprice and set up an appointment for a stress test."
"A stress test will require you to run on a treadmill for about 45 minutes while we monitor your heartrate." doctor Overprice says. "Really?" I ask, "You are aware I am an asthmatic right? I mean, I assume if my lungs lock up you'll have something here for me right?" He did not know since this was the first time I had ever been in his office. So, he looks at me and says (I swear this is true) "Well, I guess we'll have to change the type of test we give you. The only door large enough for a gurney to go through is up front and if you code on the treadmill and die we'd have to wheel you out the front door and it would probably bum out everyone in the waiting room. It did the last time that happened" I instantly liked this guy.
His nurse preps me for the test (again, this is all true). She says, "Wear comfortable clothes. Pants that are loose and comfortable in the event they have to come off." Wait....what? "Exactly what reason would there be where, during a heart stress test, my pants would need to come off? I mean, I can imagine a test where I would need to remove my pants that certainly would put a stress on my heart....but aren't there laws against that?" Without missing a beat she says, "Don't question us......we know what we are doing. Wear a comfortable shirt, but not a T-shirt. Button shirt will make it easier to hook you up. You'll be here for at least 4 hours and the vending machine doesn't always work right so bring a snack....and I'd bring something to read." I liked her too....and on a certain level, I feared her as well.
The test did take 4 hours...and afterwards I felt like I had been hit by a bus. Three weeks later, the results.
"Well, you seem to be the type of person who carries fluid around his heart."
Yea, it's probably a lot of Merlot
"This fluid is causing back pressure within the heart and probably that's what is causing your asthma to flare. This would probably cause your blood pressure to spike. It was high on your last visit and did not stabilize during the test. It is high now....so we need to get you on some meds to bring it down."
"You're going to take two pills each day. One is a very mild BP med, the other is a diuretic. That should do the trick. Take them for two weeks and come back in for a check up."
Diuretic...otherwise known as the "Pee Pill". I take it at 6:30am each day and spent the remainder of the day going to the bathroom every 38 seconds. However, I will say it's a pretty good diet pill....I lost about 12 pounds.
I am happy to report my blood pressure dropped to normal, my asthma is under control and I actually feel pretty good.
I can also report that the need to remove my pants during the stress test did not present itself....although there was a moment when the nurse held up a bottle of lubricant and my mind wandered for a moment.
So I go to my doctor. He says he needs to do a physical. A physical? I'm having chest pains and he wants to do a physical? Isn't there something we should do like...RIGHT NOW? What if I was on fire? What would that require....a tonsilectomy? Anyway.....I get the physical and he says (this is the truth) "Well, I don't see anything wrong with your heart, so that's good. Doesn't explain the pain, but it's a good thing I don't see anything wrong. Of course, a Specialist will have to read this test result to be sure. (really? you can't read it, but you don't see anything wrong?) In the meantime, call Dr. Overprice and set up an appointment for a stress test."
"A stress test will require you to run on a treadmill for about 45 minutes while we monitor your heartrate." doctor Overprice says. "Really?" I ask, "You are aware I am an asthmatic right? I mean, I assume if my lungs lock up you'll have something here for me right?" He did not know since this was the first time I had ever been in his office. So, he looks at me and says (I swear this is true) "Well, I guess we'll have to change the type of test we give you. The only door large enough for a gurney to go through is up front and if you code on the treadmill and die we'd have to wheel you out the front door and it would probably bum out everyone in the waiting room. It did the last time that happened" I instantly liked this guy.
His nurse preps me for the test (again, this is all true). She says, "Wear comfortable clothes. Pants that are loose and comfortable in the event they have to come off." Wait....what? "Exactly what reason would there be where, during a heart stress test, my pants would need to come off? I mean, I can imagine a test where I would need to remove my pants that certainly would put a stress on my heart....but aren't there laws against that?" Without missing a beat she says, "Don't question us......we know what we are doing. Wear a comfortable shirt, but not a T-shirt. Button shirt will make it easier to hook you up. You'll be here for at least 4 hours and the vending machine doesn't always work right so bring a snack....and I'd bring something to read." I liked her too....and on a certain level, I feared her as well.
The test did take 4 hours...and afterwards I felt like I had been hit by a bus. Three weeks later, the results.
"Well, you seem to be the type of person who carries fluid around his heart."
Yea, it's probably a lot of Merlot
"This fluid is causing back pressure within the heart and probably that's what is causing your asthma to flare. This would probably cause your blood pressure to spike. It was high on your last visit and did not stabilize during the test. It is high now....so we need to get you on some meds to bring it down."
"You're going to take two pills each day. One is a very mild BP med, the other is a diuretic. That should do the trick. Take them for two weeks and come back in for a check up."
Diuretic...otherwise known as the "Pee Pill". I take it at 6:30am each day and spent the remainder of the day going to the bathroom every 38 seconds. However, I will say it's a pretty good diet pill....I lost about 12 pounds.
I am happy to report my blood pressure dropped to normal, my asthma is under control and I actually feel pretty good.
I can also report that the need to remove my pants during the stress test did not present itself....although there was a moment when the nurse held up a bottle of lubricant and my mind wandered for a moment.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
All the news that is news
I grew up with The Today Show on NBC. Remember that one? Barbara Walters, Hugh Downs, Bryant Gumbal, Matt Lauer, Katie Couric, Al Roker, Tom Brokaw... also occasional appearances from Willard Scott. It was a morning tradition...and it's all gone now. I have, as they have, grown old. It's a youth filled world and networks want the younger folks to watch....so they make it more 'hip'. Complete with every possible ethnic representative.
Think I'm crazy? Think about it.
How did the Today Show start back then? Remember? A fly over of New York with a zoom in on 'The Plaza'. Cool graphics with the host name, upbeat music, and an easy fade in to the studio. There sat the hosts...looking cool and happy drinking coffee out of mugs proudly emblazoned with the letters NBC. My world was complete. That could NEVER happen now. What you get now is this..
A dark screen. A tympani of drums slowly building in volume. Suddenly - lightning, thunder, fireworks and flashes. In the center of the screen the station Logo, some angry rapper starts (and I use this term loosely) 'singing':
It's morning in the USA
Time to start your damn day
Get your ass out of bed
Be glad you ain't dead
Hope you don't got the blues
It's time to check the news
A series of horrific explosions fades into the set. It is silver, with gold accents on the wall. We see five people sitting on a leather sectional:
Male / Sport Coat (no tie) / perfect hair / perfect teeth .....Think 'George Michael'
Female / Tight shirt showing ample cleavage / short skirt showing her legs / Hooker heels
Black Male / Wearing an orange, red, green and yellow suit
Asian Female / Wearing an outfit that is supposed to look like a Geisha outfit but isn't
Hispanic Male / Wearing a sombrero
We get quick cuts lasting about 3 seconds to each one (with a flash of lightning between each):
I'm Joe Wasp. The middle east is in turmoil, Europe is in a panic, and my hair is perfect.
I'm Tawny EverFertile. Iraq is safer, terrorism is on the run, and the top button on my shirt is hanging on by a thread.
I'm ChimalsiDaktari (it means 'proud healer'...really, look it up) the weather is terrible. More later.
I'm NairishiNaguraTokyo. Lindsey Lohan is at it again. Banzai!
I'm EdwardoSanCristobaldelaCasa. Brett Farve is unretired again, and will share his taco recipe with us during our second hour.
Voice over is the angry rapper again...while the camera pans back and shows the host sipping bottled water, chatting with the hair and makeup attendants:
It's morning
You got your warning
World keeps turning
Sun is burnin
I earned more singing this tripe
Than you've made your entire life
Fly over the studio and back to Joe while LSD inspired colors and shapes are imposed over the shot.
Good Morning. Here is today's news.
At this point, old guys like me are sitting in our recliners with our coffee, brown socks and slippers smacking the remote desperately trying to find some show being hosted by Hugh Downs. No matter how you try, you can't make the news more youthful...it's the news, and typically it is bad. What happens is you just end up making it look like the MTV awards...only shorter and with less shots of Jack Black.
I guess I could always watch the infomercials about the Brazilian Butt Lift.
Think I'm crazy? Think about it.
How did the Today Show start back then? Remember? A fly over of New York with a zoom in on 'The Plaza'. Cool graphics with the host name, upbeat music, and an easy fade in to the studio. There sat the hosts...looking cool and happy drinking coffee out of mugs proudly emblazoned with the letters NBC. My world was complete. That could NEVER happen now. What you get now is this..
A dark screen. A tympani of drums slowly building in volume. Suddenly - lightning, thunder, fireworks and flashes. In the center of the screen the station Logo, some angry rapper starts (and I use this term loosely) 'singing':
It's morning in the USA
Time to start your damn day
Get your ass out of bed
Be glad you ain't dead
Hope you don't got the blues
It's time to check the news
A series of horrific explosions fades into the set. It is silver, with gold accents on the wall. We see five people sitting on a leather sectional:
Male / Sport Coat (no tie) / perfect hair / perfect teeth .....Think 'George Michael'
Female / Tight shirt showing ample cleavage / short skirt showing her legs / Hooker heels
Black Male / Wearing an orange, red, green and yellow suit
Asian Female / Wearing an outfit that is supposed to look like a Geisha outfit but isn't
Hispanic Male / Wearing a sombrero
We get quick cuts lasting about 3 seconds to each one (with a flash of lightning between each):
I'm Joe Wasp. The middle east is in turmoil, Europe is in a panic, and my hair is perfect.
I'm Tawny EverFertile. Iraq is safer, terrorism is on the run, and the top button on my shirt is hanging on by a thread.
I'm ChimalsiDaktari (it means 'proud healer'...really, look it up) the weather is terrible. More later.
I'm NairishiNaguraTokyo. Lindsey Lohan is at it again. Banzai!
I'm EdwardoSanCristobaldelaCasa. Brett Farve is unretired again, and will share his taco recipe with us during our second hour.
Voice over is the angry rapper again...while the camera pans back and shows the host sipping bottled water, chatting with the hair and makeup attendants:
It's morning
You got your warning
World keeps turning
Sun is burnin
I earned more singing this tripe
Than you've made your entire life
Fly over the studio and back to Joe while LSD inspired colors and shapes are imposed over the shot.
Good Morning. Here is today's news.
At this point, old guys like me are sitting in our recliners with our coffee, brown socks and slippers smacking the remote desperately trying to find some show being hosted by Hugh Downs. No matter how you try, you can't make the news more youthful...it's the news, and typically it is bad. What happens is you just end up making it look like the MTV awards...only shorter and with less shots of Jack Black.
I guess I could always watch the infomercials about the Brazilian Butt Lift.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Doctor, Doctor....
When I was growing up, medicine was simple. It was liquid, tasted terrible and you had to take it 'twice a day at meal time'....unless you gave your mom trouble, then it became necessary to admininster it anally ever 4 hours. Whatever was wrong with you (stomach ache, runny nose, blurred vision, missing fingers)....Paregoric was what you got. Two tablespoons full...."and by God don't you dare spit it out!" Then there was Mercurachrome for cuts and scrapes. Remember that? I don't think it had any medicinal value....just burned like crazy and made this huge red spot. Why didn't we just put a lit match on our skin....it would have accomplished the same thing.
Today we can call the doctor and "have something phoned in"....although at times I don't think the guy on the other end of the phone is really listening. Plus, these days we have a pill or potion for everything...and we've become 'specialized'. It can be at times mind numbing:
Dr. MuchMoney, my child has this red spot on his/her arm.
Right or left arm?
Right
Top or bottom
Top
Horizontal or Perpendicular to the hand
What?
Does he have a fever?
No
Is he dizzy, coughing, sneezing, dopey, sleepy, or any other of the seven dwarfs?
Seriously?
Has he been out of the country recently?
No
Is he sexually active?
He's 6. Don't think so.
OK. It doesn't sound serious. I will call out some lotion for him.
Great
Do you want scented or unscented?
Scented or unscented what?
Lotion. Also, do you want flavoring?
Is he supposed to eat the lotion?
OK scented, cherry flavored. What pharmacy do you use?
Uh.....
Doesn't matter. It's called in at Mujadeheen Pharmacy and Knick Knacks
Where is that?
They will probably not accept your insurance, and there is no generic so be prepared to spend several hundred dollars for a 3 oz tube. Let me know if this doesn't do the trick
Are you even listening?
I will have my nurse bill your insurance $375 for a 'virtual visit'.
Never mind....I'll just rub some dirt on it.
Today we can call the doctor and "have something phoned in"....although at times I don't think the guy on the other end of the phone is really listening. Plus, these days we have a pill or potion for everything...and we've become 'specialized'. It can be at times mind numbing:
Dr. MuchMoney, my child has this red spot on his/her arm.
Right or left arm?
Right
Top or bottom
Top
Horizontal or Perpendicular to the hand
What?
Does he have a fever?
No
Is he dizzy, coughing, sneezing, dopey, sleepy, or any other of the seven dwarfs?
Seriously?
Has he been out of the country recently?
No
Is he sexually active?
He's 6. Don't think so.
OK. It doesn't sound serious. I will call out some lotion for him.
Great
Do you want scented or unscented?
Scented or unscented what?
Lotion. Also, do you want flavoring?
Is he supposed to eat the lotion?
OK scented, cherry flavored. What pharmacy do you use?
Uh.....
Doesn't matter. It's called in at Mujadeheen Pharmacy and Knick Knacks
Where is that?
They will probably not accept your insurance, and there is no generic so be prepared to spend several hundred dollars for a 3 oz tube. Let me know if this doesn't do the trick
Are you even listening?
I will have my nurse bill your insurance $375 for a 'virtual visit'.
Never mind....I'll just rub some dirt on it.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Happy Birthday
Teach your children well,
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.
Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.*
Their father's hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by.
Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.*
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE MAN!
crosby/stills/nash/young
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
GitarZan
All my kids are talented each in his/her own way. My son has the natural ability to play music by ear. As he practiced and got better...he began to tell me (not so much in words...but in actions) that musicians are 'chick magnets'. Really? Do 'chick magnets' need to bathe regularly? Because he didn't.
So, we moved to Baton Rouge during his 8th grade year. This was about the time he discovered a couple of things:
1. For lack of a better way to say it, he is a 'rather striking' young man.
2. He can converse with anyone...and he is totally at ease with girls.
3. He can pick up quickly if a girl has interest in him...and he exploits it. How? "By being cool dad. They want you, they come to you. You just have to sit back and wait."
FYI to all the women out there...I smacked him for you.
So we are moving various items into our apartment in Baton Rouge. He is helping with the things he can handle himself and I notice he moves slower as the items change in size and weight. Normally, I'd think that he is just overextending himself....but that's not it. It's a girl...actually two of them. They are sitting in the parking lot watching. Now he is all of 14, they look 19 at best and he is trying all he can to get them to talk to him.
"Hey" he says.
(no answer)
"How you doing"
(attempt #2) (a smile, but it's more of a courtesy)
"You guys alright"
(strike three)
I say nothing...save for some laughter. "You're 14...what did you expect?" He mopes out for the last item. Now, the last item is....yup, you guessed it, a guitar. He packs it over the shoulder with his amp in hand and SLOWLY walks from the car to the apartment. I'm watching this from the patio, none of them can see me.
"HEY" the blonde shouts
"Sup?" is the cool response (and if he moved any slower he'd be going backwards)
"You play? Is that yours"
"I play" he says as he sets the amp down and strikes a pose. "Play the keyboard too. Write my own stuff. What kind of tunes you like?"
(Tunes? who says that?)
"WOW....I like various styles" she smiles coyishly. "I'm flexible (as she smiles teasingly). You moving in?"
"Yup, but I spend most of my time in L.C. Maybe I'll see you around when I'm in town"
(and maybe you can go to JAIL if you mess with him)
"OK" and she smiles again. "We'll be around."
Now, he didn't know her name, where she lived, she didn't know his name and I really don't think she noticed what apartment he entered but he walks into the apartment, looks at me and says:
"Boom Dad.....just sit back and wait....the power of the music".
I was speechless.......
So, we moved to Baton Rouge during his 8th grade year. This was about the time he discovered a couple of things:
1. For lack of a better way to say it, he is a 'rather striking' young man.
2. He can converse with anyone...and he is totally at ease with girls.
3. He can pick up quickly if a girl has interest in him...and he exploits it. How? "By being cool dad. They want you, they come to you. You just have to sit back and wait."
FYI to all the women out there...I smacked him for you.
So we are moving various items into our apartment in Baton Rouge. He is helping with the things he can handle himself and I notice he moves slower as the items change in size and weight. Normally, I'd think that he is just overextending himself....but that's not it. It's a girl...actually two of them. They are sitting in the parking lot watching. Now he is all of 14, they look 19 at best and he is trying all he can to get them to talk to him.
"Hey" he says.
(no answer)
"How you doing"
(attempt #2) (a smile, but it's more of a courtesy)
"You guys alright"
(strike three)
I say nothing...save for some laughter. "You're 14...what did you expect?" He mopes out for the last item. Now, the last item is....yup, you guessed it, a guitar. He packs it over the shoulder with his amp in hand and SLOWLY walks from the car to the apartment. I'm watching this from the patio, none of them can see me.
"HEY" the blonde shouts
"Sup?" is the cool response (and if he moved any slower he'd be going backwards)
"You play? Is that yours"
"I play" he says as he sets the amp down and strikes a pose. "Play the keyboard too. Write my own stuff. What kind of tunes you like?"
(Tunes? who says that?)
"WOW....I like various styles" she smiles coyishly. "I'm flexible (as she smiles teasingly). You moving in?"
"Yup, but I spend most of my time in L.C. Maybe I'll see you around when I'm in town"
(and maybe you can go to JAIL if you mess with him)
"OK" and she smiles again. "We'll be around."
Now, he didn't know her name, where she lived, she didn't know his name and I really don't think she noticed what apartment he entered but he walks into the apartment, looks at me and says:
"Boom Dad.....just sit back and wait....the power of the music".
I was speechless.......
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Snobbery 101
I find as I get older I tend to care less about those 'things' that (I am told) I should care about. Not that I am a snob or anything..."I do believe I asked for NO pickles on my Whopper...send this slop back immediately!" I just feel at this point of my life I'm pretty much content...I mean, I've eaten Sushi and I've had Sex (once I did both in the same night....but that's another story) I've lived....why worry about the silly stuff?
Well, try to tell that to your teenage daughter.
One evening my wife and I were going out to dinner. This was one of those occasions where it was just the two of us...with real pauses in the conversation, an entree that did not involve cheese fries, and a server that had not arrived in Baton Rouge that morning from the Valley....(Oh my God, I'm like Brittany and I'm so excited that I will be like serving you guys tonight...so sit back and like relax because like I hope you're like hungry hungry hippos! BANG! Poor Brittany doesn't get to day 2). Anyway, I come out dressed in a pair of Khaki pants and a button down shirt. My daughter sees me....(her words in bold)
What are you wearing?
Well, my Tarzan suit is dirty so I thought I'd wear this.
No Dad....what (pointing to my belt) is that?
It's a belt...glad to see all that money for schooling went to good use.
No Dad (making a face as if to say "you are such a neanderthal how do you walk upright")...why is it black?
(answering somewhat confused) Because it wants to be?
Do you know you're not supposed to wear that with Khaki?
What, not wear a belt? Seriously, my pants would fall down.
GEEZ DAD...you don't wear a black belt with Khaki pants!
Why the hell not? What difference does it make?
MOM! Tell him you don't wear a black belt with....Oh my God....Black shoes! You're wearing black shoes?
I could go barefoot dammit...leave me alone!
MOM...do you see how he is dressed? How can you go out in public with him?
*Now...my wife...the love of my life, my best friend, my counsel, my hope, my dreams says, "Yea, I just don't go where I might know anyone"
What the hell is wrong with the both of you?
Dad...brown belt and brown shoes with Khaki.
Why?
DOES IT MATTER?
Yes
GO CHANGE!
I don't own a brown belt or brown shoes. Black shoes and a black belt are formal attire.
Formal? For what? Where are you going? What kind of place is this? A TIE is formal, did you just forget about the tie...or is it just formal when it comes to a belt and shoes?
Leave me alone.
Fine...I don't know you.
Really?....That'll work till you need money.
Needless to say for Christmas that year I got.....yup....a pair of brown shoes and a brown belt.
And yes, I wear them....and yes, with Khaki pants...and yes, my daughter still checks to make sure.
Well, try to tell that to your teenage daughter.
One evening my wife and I were going out to dinner. This was one of those occasions where it was just the two of us...with real pauses in the conversation, an entree that did not involve cheese fries, and a server that had not arrived in Baton Rouge that morning from the Valley....(Oh my God, I'm like Brittany and I'm so excited that I will be like serving you guys tonight...so sit back and like relax because like I hope you're like hungry hungry hippos! BANG! Poor Brittany doesn't get to day 2). Anyway, I come out dressed in a pair of Khaki pants and a button down shirt. My daughter sees me....(her words in bold)
What are you wearing?
Well, my Tarzan suit is dirty so I thought I'd wear this.
No Dad....what (pointing to my belt) is that?
It's a belt...glad to see all that money for schooling went to good use.
No Dad (making a face as if to say "you are such a neanderthal how do you walk upright")...why is it black?
(answering somewhat confused) Because it wants to be?
Do you know you're not supposed to wear that with Khaki?
What, not wear a belt? Seriously, my pants would fall down.
GEEZ DAD...you don't wear a black belt with Khaki pants!
Why the hell not? What difference does it make?
MOM! Tell him you don't wear a black belt with....Oh my God....Black shoes! You're wearing black shoes?
I could go barefoot dammit...leave me alone!
MOM...do you see how he is dressed? How can you go out in public with him?
*Now...my wife...the love of my life, my best friend, my counsel, my hope, my dreams says, "Yea, I just don't go where I might know anyone"
What the hell is wrong with the both of you?
Dad...brown belt and brown shoes with Khaki.
Why?
DOES IT MATTER?
Yes
GO CHANGE!
I don't own a brown belt or brown shoes. Black shoes and a black belt are formal attire.
Formal? For what? Where are you going? What kind of place is this? A TIE is formal, did you just forget about the tie...or is it just formal when it comes to a belt and shoes?
Leave me alone.
Fine...I don't know you.
Really?....That'll work till you need money.
Needless to say for Christmas that year I got.....yup....a pair of brown shoes and a brown belt.
And yes, I wear them....and yes, with Khaki pants...and yes, my daughter still checks to make sure.
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