The Doctor Visit

I apologize first to all the medical professionals out there in the world.  Why?  Because I don't like you.  Now, I don't mean YOU.....I mean Doctor YOU. 

As I continue to age (much like a fine cheese, only without the smell) I find I need to 'visit' my doctor more often.  Visit is a misnomer....that's not what we do at the doctor's office.  To me,

1)  A visit is polite conversation lasting more that 15 seconds without you (doctor) snapping ominously a pair of rubber gloves on your hand.
2)  A visit is an exchange of information that is more than a series of rapid fire questions asked so fast I don't have time to process the question much less answer it:

• How have you been feeling?How's the blood pressure?Any soreness in the joints?Any sores that won't heal?Any muscle aches?How much does the moon weigh?Turn your head and cough.

3)  A visit does not include some type beverage that makes you run to the bathroom within 8 seconds of drinking it.
4)  A visit does not include food which pretty much does the same thing.

Now, doctors come in various sizes: 
The General Practitioner - he has a lot of general knowledge, but can't do anything specific.  If you 'visit' a GP with body parts visibly missing, he will grimace, and with a concerned look on his face ask, "so, what's the reason for your visit today?"  So you show him where 4 right hand fingers should be..... but are not, and he will probably say something like, "looks serious, but there's a lot of this going around.  You should see a specialist "
The Specialist - he works in a different office, usually located in some strip mall 87 miles from your house.  He will look and say, "Yes, this has been going around...but it looks like this is an acute case.  We may have to run some tests."
The Consultant Specialist - he works with The Specialist, however he is semi-retired and only in the office on odd number days during the third week of every other month.  After he looks he says, "We definitely should run some tests."
The Consultant Specialist Advisor - I made this name up...but this is the guy who 'reads' the test.  I am still baffled as to why they don't teach ALL doctors to read test results.  Is Test Reading an elective in Medical School?

After you see these folks...then the bills start to arrive.  Note I said BILLS....you don't get one.  What you get is a series of comically created invoices.

The first one is from your GP.  He bills your insurance company $975 for the office visit.  The insurance company takes the 'agreed upon discount' and the new amount is $75, of which you paid $30 when you got there because you have a co-pay.  That leaves a balance due the doctor of $45, plus the ancillary charges (new patient record, HIPPA compliance fee, postage, and excise tax) of $150 which make the grand total $195.  You get a copy of this bill every day for three weeks (each marked PAST DUE)  until the 'staff' at the doctor's office posts to your account.

The second is from the Specialist.  This is the first bill you have seen (it has been about 6 weeks since your visit), and it has the following items:
Consultant Office Visit  $750
Consultant Accelerated Diagnostic Fee  $80
Lab Charges  $100
Rotate and Balance   $90
TOTAL DUE   $1020 - less 'agreed upon discounts' already taken $720
NEW TOTAL $300
Your account is already past due.  We don't like calling our patients deadbeats, but you are fast earning that title.  Payment is expected TODAY or we will repossess your oldest male child.

Then you get a third bill.  You assume this is the semi-retired guy since his name is not on the envelope, just the name "Office of People Who Wear White Coats"
There is no invoice, just a letter.
Dear (insert patient name),
On (insert date) you received services from our office.  Your charges were submitted to your insurance company and the remaining balance is now due.  Unless you have died from whatever illness you had when you came into our office you have no excuse not to pay this amount.
Total amount due is $250.  Payable in US Funds only please.                          

See....I don't have a problem having a doctor check me to see if I have some bizarre malady like "East Martian Death Fungus".  I mean, I certainly could not perform the test myself.  However, typically what happens is I turn up fine and the doctor says (and I am NOT making this up) "Well Mark, I don't see anything of concern here....except you're overweight and of course you are getting old.  Other than that, you're fine."

So....I am fat and I am old.
For this valuable piece of information, I will pay somewhere around $500.

My kids tell me this for free.