The 12 foot pipe

So, OK....now I am 50.   I know that because my children remind me daily:

Dad, don't stay in the heat, you are 50 now remember?
Dad, you shouldn't drink so much Dr. Pepper.  You are 50 now.
Dad, just because you are 50 doesn't mean you can go outside without wearing pants.

Now that I am 50, my children really want me to get a colonoscopy.  For those of you who don't know:

Colonoscopy (Web Definition):  a visual examination of the colon (with a colonoscope) from the cecum to the rectum; requires sedation.
Colonsocopy (Manspeak):  the insertion of a 1/4 inch diameter 12 foot piece of PVC pipe into your butt while a doctor looks through it with a flashlight; demand sedation.

Why do my children want me to have this done?  They tell me it's so I will "live longer"....and that will allow time for me to build some type of wealth they can inherit.

I am not saying I won't get one, I will.....but I have thought at length (approximately the time it takes to drink an entire bottle of Merlot) as to why this is difficult for me and I have arrived at a hypothesis.

Men cannot fathom the idea that there are important parts located INSIDE their body.  Men have everything they feel is important located OUTSIDE, where it can be kicked, punched, photographed (and posted on the internet if you are a member of Congress) and possibly attacked by squirrels.  The fact they are on the outside allows a man to carefully inspect his parts (and depending on his current dating status some days the inspection can be time consuming and VERY detailed).  He already knows they are fine....the very idea he has parts inside his butt that need inspection is a foreign thing.

Women have their parts INSIDE, safely protected by the skeleton, skin, pantie hose, girdles, the need for a wedding ring, and blue jeans.  However I must state that women have far worse things done to them by medical professionals...and their children.  I think the perfect Mother's Day card would read something like:

I know I can make you aggravated
But I know each day you love me more.
If you didn't, you would not have tolerated
Pain like pushing an elephant through a cat door

So anyway I am pondering planning for the eventual consideration of having a colonoscopy.  There are several reasons why I am hesitant.

1.  Did you read the part about the 12 foot pipe?  I'm just saying.
2.  I really don't want to know if something is wrong.
3.  Did you READ the part about the pipe?  Seriously, I'm just saying.

So, as luck would have it I am at the magical age where doctors have determined there is a need to put a pipe in my butt.  Seriously, when I ask why I need to do this I'm told "it's because you're 50".  My question then is what are you going to shove in me (and through what orifice) when I turn 60? 
So I guess I have talked myself into it and I'll go have this done.  I can only imagine the scene:

I am laying on my side, butt sticking out.  The doctor is seated holding the PVC pipe in his hand.  There are at least 25 other people in the room, all billing me by the hour.  In the background the song  Under Pressure (the Queen version) is playing. 

"Just relax and count to 10" I will hear a voice say over the text alert from someones cell phone.  I start to drift off and hear "wow, check out this youtube video".  Once I am asleep, the doctor will position the pipe thusly into my rear (by hammering it in there with a mallet) and have his trusty assistant hand him a flashlight.  "Looks dark" he will comment as he makes shadow puppets in the pipe.  "Hellooooo" he will shout into the pipe.  "Guess no one is home".  The entire room will burst into laughter.

I've just talked myself out of it again.

The GameStation 9000

OK....so maybe I am a big kid....but I like playing video games.  It is kind of neat to live out a fantasy life where reality and common sense don't apply and you make all the rules.  You know, just like The US Congress.  I've had my fair share of video game consoles....Nintendo, Playstation, SEGA and the always popular ATARI.  At one point, the cable company in Lake Charles had something called the "SEGA Channel" where you played games on TV!  Sure, it's not a big deal now....but back in 1995 it was awesome.  Games have come a long way since Mario chased Peach around while some cretin turtle kept hiding her....but game players...well, they are all the same.

Once, while my nephews were at my house playing SEGA I noticed the oldest one sitting on my floor very involved in "Dr. Robotnkick's Mean Bean Machine".  As I looked closer I noticed he was bouncing.  "Creedence" (no, that's not his real name) I asked "are you OK?"  "I'm fine Uncle Mark" he said without moving his eyes off the TV.  Several minutes later little Creedence peed on himself.  Yup, 10 years old too.  "What possible reason would you have for not going to the bathroom?"  I asked.  "I was on my last bean" was the sincere reply.  Well, far be it from me to risk the last bean rather than have my carpet stained.  My dog didn't pee in the house...my nephew did.

My son, at 10 years old, could manipulate SONIC through a series of mazes that looked like they were developed by some acid crazed lunatic...yet he could not remember to 'right side' his pants when he put them on.  Add to this, he actually had some difficulty figuring out why his pockets were on the outside of his pants.  "Hey dad, is it supposed to look like this?"

Saturday mornings my kids would spend hours moving a character around a maze leaving bombs at strategic points to blow up the enemies on the screen.  (Bomberman)  This took planning, timing, and patience.  At 11 years old this was a pretty cool thing....except these same children could not navigate my house in order to get dirty clothes where they belonged or toys back in the correct room.  

My son, playing a 'shooter game', could plan an imaginary attack on a small village which included planning the approach, the directions taken once inside the village, timing of each stop, and an exit strategy.  This would including rescuing imaginary hostages in a dark room while it's raining (with flashes of lightening every 4 seconds) various other characters shooting lasers at his character, and a sound track that sounded like a cat was being forced (using a pressure washer) through a 1 inch diameter pipe. 

He would complete this task successfully, without any problems.  However, asking him to help clean the kitchen and put the dishes away was pandemonium.  "Who put the milk in the pantry?"  "Why are there dirty dishes in the oven?"  "Why is the dog in the trash can?".

Psychologists might argue that living out a fantasy is a good thing now and then.  Being able to set your own rules, have no consequence to your actions, and living outside of reality is great....but I would suggest you just run for Congress to get that.....not spend hours in front of the television.