The 12 foot pipe

So, OK....now I am 50.   I know that because my children remind me daily:

Dad, don't stay in the heat, you are 50 now remember?
Dad, you shouldn't drink so much Dr. Pepper.  You are 50 now.
Dad, just because you are 50 doesn't mean you can go outside without wearing pants.

Now that I am 50, my children really want me to get a colonoscopy.  For those of you who don't know:

Colonoscopy (Web Definition):  a visual examination of the colon (with a colonoscope) from the cecum to the rectum; requires sedation.
Colonsocopy (Manspeak):  the insertion of a 1/4 inch diameter 12 foot piece of PVC pipe into your butt while a doctor looks through it with a flashlight; demand sedation.

Why do my children want me to have this done?  They tell me it's so I will "live longer"....and that will allow time for me to build some type of wealth they can inherit.

I am not saying I won't get one, I will.....but I have thought at length (approximately the time it takes to drink an entire bottle of Merlot) as to why this is difficult for me and I have arrived at a hypothesis.

Men cannot fathom the idea that there are important parts located INSIDE their body.  Men have everything they feel is important located OUTSIDE, where it can be kicked, punched, photographed (and posted on the internet if you are a member of Congress) and possibly attacked by squirrels.  The fact they are on the outside allows a man to carefully inspect his parts (and depending on his current dating status some days the inspection can be time consuming and VERY detailed).  He already knows they are fine....the very idea he has parts inside his butt that need inspection is a foreign thing.

Women have their parts INSIDE, safely protected by the skeleton, skin, pantie hose, girdles, the need for a wedding ring, and blue jeans.  However I must state that women have far worse things done to them by medical professionals...and their children.  I think the perfect Mother's Day card would read something like:

I know I can make you aggravated
But I know each day you love me more.
If you didn't, you would not have tolerated
Pain like pushing an elephant through a cat door

So anyway I am pondering planning for the eventual consideration of having a colonoscopy.  There are several reasons why I am hesitant.

1.  Did you read the part about the 12 foot pipe?  I'm just saying.
2.  I really don't want to know if something is wrong.
3.  Did you READ the part about the pipe?  Seriously, I'm just saying.

So, as luck would have it I am at the magical age where doctors have determined there is a need to put a pipe in my butt.  Seriously, when I ask why I need to do this I'm told "it's because you're 50".  My question then is what are you going to shove in me (and through what orifice) when I turn 60? 
So I guess I have talked myself into it and I'll go have this done.  I can only imagine the scene:

I am laying on my side, butt sticking out.  The doctor is seated holding the PVC pipe in his hand.  There are at least 25 other people in the room, all billing me by the hour.  In the background the song  Under Pressure (the Queen version) is playing. 

"Just relax and count to 10" I will hear a voice say over the text alert from someones cell phone.  I start to drift off and hear "wow, check out this youtube video".  Once I am asleep, the doctor will position the pipe thusly into my rear (by hammering it in there with a mallet) and have his trusty assistant hand him a flashlight.  "Looks dark" he will comment as he makes shadow puppets in the pipe.  "Hellooooo" he will shout into the pipe.  "Guess no one is home".  The entire room will burst into laughter.

I've just talked myself out of it again.