You sign up your daughter for the dance team. This means she will have to 'try out'. The try out involves having her do a 15 second routine without falling down. That being completed, you wait 4 days for a letter to come in the mail that looks like this:
________________________________________________________________________
Anger Management Studios
Where Dancing Keeps us Calm
Dear PARENT/ OR SOMEONE RESEMBLING ONE ;
Congratulations!
INSERT CHILD'S NAME has been named to our Dance Competition Team!
Please return this acceptance form along with your check within 72 hours.
Regards,
AMS
*I INSERT ADULT SOUNDING NAME, the legal parent or someone who is at least over 21 and claims responsibility for INSERT CHILD'S NAME (preferably the same name as above), hereby agrees to the following:
1. A payment of $500 is due RIGHT NOW to cover expected expenses of the Dance Team.
2. These expenses will be explained later, and I am not allowed to question them.
3. Dance Team practices are at 5:00am every Saturday. If my child misses a practice I agree to be stripped naked and covered in ants.
4. Dance competitions will be held every three months in exotic places like Uganda. I am expected to attend these competitions at my expense without question.
5. If my child misses a competition I agree to be stripped naked and covered with ants.
6. A new and revealing costume will be purchased for every competition. I agree to pay for these without question, regardless of the cost.
7. If I do not pay for the costume I agree to be..….you know what, if you just agree to do whatever the hell we tell you there won’t be a problem.
Sign here ---à________________________________________________
Attach your check here -à
________________________________________________________________________
The first day of practice involves the parent meeting. At this meeting semi-conscious moms are herded into a small room to go over 'the details' of the competition team. These details include insuring everyone knows that large amounts of money will need to be paid and the studio has a long tradition of winning the 'Titanium Award' at the Annual NorthEast BiLateral Bicuspid Central County Dance Competition and Cook Off.....so every child had better give a stellar performance or face imprisonment. Also at this meeting the studio will:
1. Verify everyone sent in the $500 fee.
2. Ask for an additional $150 "judges fee" that the studio will handle for each competition.
The moms are then told to leave because the girls don't perform well when parents are watching, and if parents are there the instructors can't use preferred motivation techniques such as attack dogs and whips.
So, for several weeks your wife gets out of bed at some ungodly hour every Saturday and treks out to practice. Suddenly, one day she hands you a note that says:
Our first competition "The Semi-Annual Sausage Fest and Butter Churning Festival Dance Off" is on (insert date). The festival begins with the ceremonial cow tipping at 3 in the morning on the first day. All dancers are expected to attend this event, and our first performance will be at 10am on the first day. Hotel rooms have been blocked and are at a reduced rate equal to that of most standard home mortgages.
Please send a check for $300 to cover costume costs and expenses. We have always won this competition.....and we will again.....or else!
You then cash in several stock options and make travel arrangements. The competition is in FarAway Dirtsville and will take 5 hours by car or 12 hours by plane. Since your daughters 'performance' is at 10am, you naturally have to be at the venue by 7am. So after working 8 hours, you pile into the car and drive through a part of country the Blair Witch is afraid to walk through. You arrive at the hotel at midnight, and after unpacking you get to bed. You stumble out of bed in about 3 hours and get to the dance venue by 7am so your daughters instructors will be able to:
1. Verify you have paid your costume fee.
2. Collect an additional $50 for expenses not planned for but turned up after the studio owner spent all night at the local casino
3. Check your daughters hair. (I don't understand what this entails, but I assume they just check to make sure that the child actually has hair)
As you look around at the other parents from other studios, you notice a pattern:
1. Some of them have matching T-Shirts. These are festooned with fun sayings like
"Shelby's Dance Studio. We kick ass"
This is printed over a photo of a donkey being kicked by a dancer.
"BB Studios. Shoot for the stars"
This is printed over a photo of a dancer with a shotgun pointed at the sky
"Cletus Studios. I just love to dance"
This is over a photo of Gregory Hines.
2. Most of the parents are carrying around clipboards for making notes when their studio performs. I once looked over the shoulder of someone and noticed the following notes:
Mary Gail - Smile more
Mary Grace - Stay in line better
Mary Nell - Kick higher
Jennifer - Why aren't you named Mary?
3. All of these folks are carrying an industrial sized toolbox filled with make-up, hair clips, hair bows, extra shoes, extra tights, small furry woodland creatures, hats, socks, earrings, combs, brushes, small firearms, and a fully stocked and functional wet bar.
Now this is compared to YOU....sitting in your "Kiss the Cook I'm Irish" shirt while carrying around a garbage bag with extra clothes.....some of them being your own.
So, after 8 hours the competition is over and it's time to announce the winner. Awards are 'tiered' starting at Gold, then moving to Silver, Metallic Aluminum, Yellow, Purple, Bronze, Almond, Light Purple, etc. Everyone wins an award.....even the ones that fell down a lot.
At the next dance practice you are told the studio won a "Chartreuse".....which is just above Bronze but right below Metallic Aluminum....and no, nobody explains what that exactly means....except that it was a good thing....so shut up and just be happy it is over. At least for now. Since they were awarded a Chartreuse they qualify for Nationals. These are held in IRAN over the Christmas holidays.
You should start saving now.
