HomeOwner Despair Center

We've all seen them.  The commercials that show the following:

A man, his late 40's maybe, wearing Khaki pants and a Polo Shirt with his hair meticulously combed and styled.  He is sitting on the floor next to his wife.  She is dressed in a black mini dress, black heels, perfect makeup and hair.  They are both installing wood floors.  Cut to several photos of them unpacking tools, pulling up old floor, hammering, scraping undercoating, sharing a fine chardonnay, etc.  The final photo is of them sitting on the couch, the new floor beneath them, fireplace in the foreground,  the lights are dim......she looks lustily at him as if to say "rip my clothes off and take me NOW" and the voice over says, "Home repairs, if you can't do them yourself....you're not a man!" 

Yea, my ego goes straight to the toilet with that one.  As a general rule, the most 'home repair' I achieve is changing a light bulb.  This in contrast to my brother...who (seriously) is like McGuyver - minus the hair.  Within the depths of this 'shop' I've seen him create a range of things from a simple bar stool to a fully functional chemical plant.  I stand in awe of his ability...I also usually stand several yards away since I rarely have HAZMAT equipment with me when I visit.  **Seriously...He is an amazing talent.  I wish I could do just some of the things he does.

But I see these commercials and I HAVE to respond.  So on Saturday morning I go to the Home Despair Center.  You know the place...they are typically the size of two or three football fields, crammed to the hilt with every possible item that can break in your house and, on a typical Saturday morning, staffed with as many as 5 helpful employees.  I enter and begin to look around for something I would recognize as broken in my home.  After several moments, I forget that and begin to look at the other people who apparently saw the same commercial as I did...although there is something not right about what I see.

Person 1
Male / 50ish  / Ironed Khaki shorts / Pressed Polo Shirt
He is carrying several miles of electrical cable, along with various boxes, nuts, connectors, insulators, harnesses, drills, grommets (whatever the hell that is), pliers, switches, and plates.  "Little Remington" he explains, "was recently accepted in the School for Children of Pretentious Parents so we are rewarding him with a new media room that once was our kitchen.  I should finish in time for he and the other pre-schoolers to play on Monday afternoon."

Person 2
Female / 30ish / Blue Jeans (so tight I can hear them scream for help) / Ironed Pastel Shirt / Heels
She is carrying 25 bags of "Spread This and Run" Fertilizer, 15 large pots, various shovels, spreaders, hoes (no, not that kind...the other kind), rakes, and 123 different plants.  "I just got so tired of the mundane" she says wearily, "so before Hobart and I jet off to Europe on Tuesday morning I am going to replant the entire front yard."

Why does this interest me?  Why do I care?  BECAUSE THEY ARE BOTH LIARS!  They are just like me....they are paying someone to do the repairs.  On Friday the contractor who they hired to do these things left a list of items they "had better have ready on Monday" or else!  At least I can admit I am repair challenged....even though I know my wife won't want me NOW (there are those stretches of time where she doesn't want me at all...so I'm used to it) I do the best I can.... at what I can do.


I don't feel so bad about buying my light bulbs.