So....vacations are supposed to be relaxing right? Fun, family and chill out time right?
Have you met my family? We go on what is called "weekender" - time to relax.....or what I call an "aneurysm".....time to go postal.
The five days before going on vacation:
5 - Sunday
After 3 weeks of discussion, we have narrowed our choice of places to stay to two hotels.
Hotel one: Has a large pool and a two room 'suite' allowing us space so we can at least get more than 2 feet away from each other.
Hotel two: Has a smaller pool, OK room, but has free breakfast and evening snack. That alone will save me $180 in food over the weekend.
We have also decided that we will leave on Friday night (around 6:00)...because that makes more sense.
We remind each other we need to wash clothes.
4 - Monday
We have decided to leave Saturday because with work and traffic it doesn't make sense to drive all night. We also start our discussion on whether or not to board the dogs because God knows they can't stay in the yard without us for more than one night.
We begin to look around the house for some minor project to start (like replacing the front door) because "it will only take a couple of hours and we can finish before we leave."
We remind each other we need to wash clothes.
3 - Tuesday
After removing all the plumbing from under the kitchen sink, we decide that it probably would be better to leave on Friday...that would give us more time to 'do things' on Saturday.
We have decided on a hotel and since it's November we choose the larger pool.....that hotel is booked so we go with choice two.
We call the Vet and set up boarding for the dogs, only to discover neither of them had a 'check up' since they were born, so that will have to be done. Estimated cost: $200.
We remind each other we need to wash clothes.
2 - Wednesday
One of my children will announce he/she has been invited to a 'gathering' on Friday afternoon that will last until 4:00pm. We are assured that he/she will be home in plenty of time to head out at 6
The replacement plumbing for the sink has to be ordered....it is being shipped next day air from Zimbabwe.
We cancel the Vet and ask one our children's friends to 'check on the dogs' for us.
We remind each other we need to wash clothes....so we wash all the towels in the house.
1 - Thursday
We take inventory of needed clothing, and discover that nothing we need to take is clean. Approximate time to wash and dry all the needed clothing....72 hours.
I get a call from the StressMan Plumbing Service that the all the parts are in except for the 38 cent 'grommet' ,,,which holds the entire system in place. Without that, "we really can't do much." Should arrive the next day.
Our child's friend calls and says that he has tickets to see a local band called "ElectricPenis" on Saturday and he is leaving town, so he can't check on the dogs. We call the Vet, they still have an opening, but the price has gone up 10% due to last minute reservations.
Departure Day - Friday
We place a bucket under the sink. "We aren't going to be here anyway...no one will use the sink"
The dogs are taken to the vet, we are informed of a new vaccine just released yesterday each dog needs....add $100.
We take trash bags and throw in damp underwear, socks, T-shirts and jeans. "They'll dry on the way"
6:00 - our child arrives, "the thing ran late". Not that it matters, we forgot to clean out the car for the trip and we are in the middle of that project.
7:00 - we pull out of the driveway
7:03 - we pull back into the driveway because someone forgot a cell phone and no one checked to see if the porch lights were left on.
7:08 - we pull out of the driveway.
7:16 - we pull into the "Chuck -n- Go" gas station for gasoline and methane producing snacks.
7:46 - all the snacks are gone and the children announce they are hungry.
8:10 - drive through the local Burger Belch and load up.
8:30 - the car is quiet and we settle in for the drive
8:32 - a series of gastrointestinal noises are heard followed by the words, "GEEZ, roll the window down".
8:32 to 9:00 - the noises continue along with shouting between the children....
9:01 - Dad threatens to drive off the bridge we are on....the car quiets down once again.
11:46 - we arrive at our destination.
12:31am - everyone is either asleep or very close.....except my wife who is still walking around with a Black Light looking for stray germs, strands of hair, trash, homeless people. I will know if she finds something because I will hear (and so will the folks in the next room) her say, "OH MY GOD...this is so GROSS". She will continue to do this the entire weekend.
1:26am - My wife will climb into bed while loudly commenting on the condition of the room, the quality of the towels, the comfort of the bed, and the current government of Syria. She falls asleep in less than two minutes.
1:55am - I finally fall asleep after coming to grips with the condition of the room, the types of towels, the comfort of the bed, and the fact I really don't care who is running Syria at the moment.
Such is my 'restful' weekend.
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