Weekends

I have three kids, and I could not trade them for anything.  Really, I've tried...no luck.  I am kidding of course.  Anyway, having kids means they must be entertained...and not the way we were when we were young.  Saturday mornings were different when I was young.  We'd wake up around 8am or so.... our parents, of course, would still be asleep...."and by God don't your DARE wake us up".  Toast for breakfast, cartoons till noon, then outside till the street lights came on.  Cartoons back then were classic lessons in life and the challenges facing people everyday.  For example:

RoadRunner. 
The ultimate lesson is patience and stupidity.  I cannot tell you how many Saturday afternoons I spend trying to build a rocket to strap to my ass so I could fly down the street in a blaze of glory.  I never chased anything (unless you count the dog), but I learned valuable lessons in patience, chemistry and wound care. 

Huckleberry Hound
I think he was on some powerful drugs.  Really, think about it for a second.  Droopy eyes, slow drawl, kind of dragging his feet when he walked.....what a role model. 

Top Cat
All this guy ever did was scam his way into things.  Oh sure, at the end it never worked out and that cretin policeman always made sure 'TC' learned his lesson....but we'd watch and in our minds think of ways to make the scam successful.  Basically, it taught kids how to cheat.

Speed Racer
Driving lessons I still use today

Today, kids need 'stimulation' and 'guidance' to become better thinkers and problem solvers.  Really?  When I was young, my 'stimulation' came in the form of my mothers shoe hurling at warp velocity towards me while my mom forcefully (but lovingly) told me to 'get out of the house!'.  My 'guidance' was my Dad standing at the front door and very calmly saying "you get arrested don't waste your one call on me because I'm not coming to get you.  you end up in jail, stay there and learn your lesson."  It is these things that have made me the person I am today.

So, in order to 'stimulate' our children, Saturday mornings involve elaborate stage productions that not only entertain and teach life lessons....they relieve you of several hundred dollars.  Wonderful productions such as:

Elmo's Magic Colon
Barney gets an X-Ray
The Wiggles get Evicted
Disney's Princess Temper Tantrum....on ice
Andy the Armadillo and the Traffic Jam

If you have not attended one of these "events", let me set the stage for you.

You enter the auditorium to the wonderful sound of several hundred shrieking kids.  Seriously, they are EVERYWHERE and they are all screaming.  They are running around, falling down, punching each other...it's a scene out of the movie Children of the Corn.  In the midst of all this you see the parents.  Mom is sitting calmly watching with love while little Rupert runs head first into the chair in front of her.  "Be careful dear", she will smile and tell him while wiping the blood off his face.  Rupert will respond with a scream at a volume that could shatter glass and run off to harm himself in some other fashion.  Dad is sitting next to mom holding in his lap a "Kids Party Pack".  $75 worth of cold drinks, hot dogs, popcorn, candy, and ice cream that little precious Rupert had to have the second he walked in....and has not touched since it was purchased.

The lights dim....and the show starts.

Depending upon what show you are seeing, various characters come bouncing on the stage.  These characters are wearing costumes that, prior to this production, were used by the Soviet Army during the Chernobyl disaster.  Disfigured vegetables, farm animals, office supplies, space aliens, and small furry woodland creatures come out on stage and begin to 'dance'.  Of course, because all the children have waited for this moment to see their favorite characters they do what any kid would do.....they scream in fear, begin to cry and run in the opposite direction.  The moms get up and calm them down with a smile and assurance the mutants on the stage are their friends. 

Now, at this point I have to interject my biggest gripe with these 'shows'.  Knowing that most Dad's would rather do anything....I mean anything...even go dress shopping with his wife....than be at this show, why do the characters pick the Dad to mess with?  You know.... rub his head with some disfigured appendage that is shedding blue feathers everywhere, pull him out of the chair (spilling the Kids Party Pack) and dancing around him, make funny gestures over this head.  There is your lesson in patience.....watching Dad smile calmly while this cretin dressed as a mothball runs around him.  If it wasn't illegal I'm sure many of these characters would end up dead on the floor....with an uneaten Kids Party Pack shoved down its throat.

So, it's 60 minutes of songs and dancing....all with life lessons.  Songs such as:

Don't pick your nose in front of Aunt Rose
Think, don't drink what's under the sink
Don't be in a rush....remember to flush

The show ends, Mom takes Rupert to the Souvenir Stand for...God only knows why....a CD version of the show and a $30 stuffed mutant toy.  Then it's 45 minutes in traffic and back home...only to hear the music from the show 6,789 times during the next 24 hours....after which it will never be played again.

Hopefully this 'stimulation' and 'guidance' will help our children discover new and exciting things....like how to exile or imprison the people who think up these stupid shows.