Several days ago while surfing the net I came across an article called "7 best times and reasons to have sex". Just from the title I immediately knew it was written by a woman. How did I know that? Seven? Really? That many? If it were written by a guy it would have been titled something like "Why we should have sex right now!" and there would be only two reasons:
1. I am awake (and there is ample research suggesting this isn't necessarily important for a guy)
2. I am breathing
But as was the case with most articles about guys...it was written by a woman and here are some examples of the best times / places to have sex:
1. Early Morning (just after waking up)
Yea, we all know about the male 'morning chubby'....so this would work for guys. But my experience (and trust me when I say it is VERY limited) is that no woman wants to wake up and have sex. Nope....gotta go pee, brush our teeth, wash our face, etc. etc. By the time all that is done, well....it's noon.
2. The middle of day
I can only say this would work if one or both partners was unemployed. Although, I'm sure somewhere in the corporate world at noon you will hear a guy tell his boss, "I'm going to lunch and should be back in about an hour. Unless she wants to cuddle or something."
3. Have sex in another room
The suggestion was the living room, shower, or maybe the extra bedroom. While those are pretty good suggestions, a guy would add a few.
The Kitchen Table - especially interesting during breakfast. This wouldn't work of course because while the man would do what you see on TV, that is just throw everything on the floor and lift his wife up on the table, it would not work that way with a woman. Nope, she'd carefully put up the cat shaped salt/pepper shakers, the limited edition Hello Kitty candlesticks, the pumpkin faced place mats, and the large stack of crayon drawings (created by your 4 year old) of people who look like they were involved in tragic farming accidents. By the time that's all over....the guy will think he's supposed to clean the kitchen rather than have sex in it.
The Guest Room -BUT in your neighbors house.
How cool would that be? "Say neighbor, can we hang out here for about an hour? No, no....you guys can go out, we'll lock up."
The Back Seat of the Car - always a classic, always reliable, and especially exciting if you're in the drive through at McDonald's. "Welcome to McDonald's would you like fries....OH MY GOD!"
4. Middle of the night sex
The idea here was if you wake up in the middle of the night....why not? I agree. Can you picture this scene:
It's 3:15am.....
"hey baby, you awake?"
"yes...I am"
(smiling and moving closer) "well, I'm good if you're good"
"touch me again and I'll smother you with your own pillow. I NEED SLEEP!"
I don't have to tell you which one of those was the guy........
It turns out the best time to have sex really is when each of you is awake and reasonably coherent....although again, not that critical from a guy perspective. The best place would be anywhere the mechanics would work. I mean, I'm not an engineer, but there are certain physical limitations and specifications that must be met. Given those, there are certain places you should NEVER attempt sex. Places like:
A Yugo (even the 4 door version)
The floor of your child's bedroom. Mostly because while it might be fun, if your child is a girl one of you might be removing Barbie accessories from places no Barbie accessory should ever be found.
ANY room in your parents home
Your yard. Especially if you have large dogs.
Now, I appreciate the author's attempt at trying to help. But truly most guys don't really need help trying to find different times and places to have sex. No, what we need is help finding a place to get a really good cheeseburger and a cold beer for under $6.00. Find that, and you'll be a guy hero.
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